Good Lord...

i sometimes am surprised by myself and what my actions will mean for the next moment. and that is good and bad. 

to be continued...

.love

i have anxious bones in my body that i cannot contain. they ache and cry out. and You have answered them. and only Your grace can turn a bad heart. 

...but he couldn't look back

i am a mix of emotions as of late. i feel like i'm going to burst with excitement for all of the great things coming in the near future. but i'm also scared to death. and to top that off how do you deal with a glimpse of something you thought was beautiful, only to find that its a very ugly thing? 

first things first: things with the sleeves are going great. i'm starting to learn the songs and i can honestly say we almost have a whole set down together. maybe i'll skip out on one song or two, but its coming together tighter, and more full than it was before. this is exciting because they are my favorite san diego band and great musicians that i feel completely unworthy of playing with. i'm hoping they wont view this as a mistake later on. there are also 5 (possibly 6) shows coming up within the next couple months that i'm super duper excited to play. 

second things second: the internship is going by slowly. very slowly. but i guess thats my fault. i set the pace for it, plus i need to work still because i'm not getting paid at this internship. but after the internship i'm not exactly sure what to do. i could stay at Luigis. i kinda want to run out and get that experience at different places that i cant get there, but Luigis offers a pay i probably cant get somewhere else, and a security that i know i can rely on. but coming out of culinary school i guess i'm expected to take the world by the horns and make it my bitch, but i guess i need to work on my confidence problems before i can do that. oh hell....

third things third: Tanya. i miss you. its like i can predict bullshit coming my way and i'm usually (if not always) right. i was scared to death of "dating" this girl. and her friend even warned me. so i tried to take it slowly. but this girl was amazing. we had all these cool things in common. and she assured me she liked me,  but that she wanted to date other guys. and maybe i was apprehensive about it (maybe meaning definitely), but she made me so good to be with her and it felt so nice. but i supposed my insecurities got the best of me "and you just got sick of me" (to quote the descendents). and now i've come to realize that maybe it is for the better that she doesnt want to be with me. its funny how when you are out of a situation like that you realize how shitty it was. the constant bitch moodswings and comments made over the phone have made me so angry and realize i'm not in the place to take that. and i dont ever want to be. i dont know everything about her and what shes been through, so maybe its been molded into her because she has to be defensive, but i'm not gonna take that shit from anyone. i'll just be lonely, thank you very much.